Status
by bd84
Summary: Parody about the status of the characters in the series Rated M for language


DISCLAIMER: I don't own anyone from InuYasha (sadly my plushie of sesshomaru doesn't count) so i make no monies off of this - good thing too!

A/N This is a PARODY so if the characters arent in character, its a good thing i started this as a way to bug inuyasha and it quickly snowballed out of control ... oops? anyway, enjoy!

"That's it! I'm going home!" Kagome yelled at InuYasha as she turned and stomped off towards the well that would take her back to her own time.

"Hey! You can't just leave like this!" InuYasha yelled after her.

"Really? Why not?" Kagome asked turning to glare at him over her shoulder.

"Um… Because I'm the main character in this show, so, you have to do what I say," InuYasha replied looking pleased with his logic.

Kagome rolled her eyes at him and continued to walk towards the well.

"GET BACK HERE! You have to listen to me!"

"SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT!"

InuYasha made a strangled sound as he was reacquainted with the forest floor.

Kagome disappeared from view and Shippo bounced over to inspect the InuYasha shaped crater in the ground.

"Boy are you an idiot!" he said to the face down half demon.

A muffled growl was heard shortly before InuYasha picked himself up and grabbed Shippo by the tail.

"AIEEE!" Shippo squealed as he fought to get loose of InuYasha's grasp.

Sango sighed and turned her back on the scene and started to walk away.

Miroku soon followed her saying quietly, "Typical."

"HEY! I heard that!" InuYasha snarled, letting Shippo go as she ran after the retreating pair.

"What do you mean, 'typical'?" InuYasha asked as he caught up to them.

Sango turned her head, and refused to answer him. Miroku sighed, and after a long pause finally asked, "You don't know do you?

"Know what?"

"They you aren't really the main character in this story."

"WHAT!"

"Think about it," Miroku said, "the main character is the one that everyone reacts to or for… You are not that character."

"Yes I am! Don't you see how people run from me when I approach their village?"

Miroku's shoulders sagged as he said, "That's because you're a DEMON and an obvious one at that."

InuYasha's ears twitched as he looked at his friends.

"Point illustrated perfectly," Sango said as his ears continued to twitch.

"Well, yeah, but I'm the main character! So they have to do it anyway."

"No," Sango said quietly, "you're not."

"Well, who is then?"

Sango and Miroku looked at each other and sighed, "Midoriko," they said at the same time.

At this, InuYasha exploded into a string of expletives that only ended when he ran out of breath and Sango hit him in the back of the head with her boomerang.

"Honestly, InuYasha!" She said exasperated, "is that really how a main character should act?"

InuYasha seemed completely baffled by her words and simply stared at her as he rubbed the bump on his head.

"Well then, even if I am not the main character and Midoriko is then surely I am next in line."

Again Sango and Miroku got quiet.

"You mean I'm not?"

"Right; you're still not the next in line."

"Then, uh, who is?" InuYasha asked as he fidgeted slightly

"I don't know how to tell you this InuYasha," Miroku said, "but after Midoriko is Naraku."

InuYasha's jaw dropped. "But, but, but..." he stammered. After a brief pause, he said, "Please tell me that after Naraku the main character is ME."

"Kikyo is," Sango said with an apologetic smile.

"But she's DEAD!" InuYasha shouted.

"Sorry InuYasha, but thems the breaks."

Drawing a deep breath InuYasha said, "So after Midoriko, Naraku, and Kikyo the main character is …"

"Kagome."

"GAH! I can't get a break! You mean this entire story is dictated mainly by female characters!"

"What's wrong with that!" Sango asked, as she shifted her hiraikotsu.

"Nothing!" InuYasha answered quickly so as to not be struck again.

"Since you two have this all figured out, tell me who's next."

Sango bit her lip, and Miroku shuffled his feet.

"Please don't tell me it's my damned brother!"

"No, it's your other enemy, Koga."

InuYasha nearly fell on his face at this information. "You mean that two bit scrawny wolf!"

"Yeah; tall, tan, with black hair, and blue eyes. Got an attitude problem like another canine I happen to know," Sango said.

InuYasha rubbed his eyes and said, "Do I even want to know who's after him?"

"Yeah, you do," said Miroku, "because it's you."

"FINALLY!" InuYasha yelled in triumph.

"Not that it makes much difference though. Because after you there's a lot of characters that are on nearly the same status," Miroku said, eyeing Sango's rear.

"What?" InuYasha asked.

"He means that there's a lot of people that go in circles," Sango said as she sidestepped Miroku's wandering hand.

"Like you and him just did?" InuYasha asked and had to duck to miss being hit again.

"NO!"

"He means that Miroku and Kohaku, and Kagura are all next on the list."

"Oh! It's a tie then," InuYasha said looking from each of his friends.

"Yeah, and then it's me, Shippo, Kirara, and Kaede," Sango said.

"So, uh, where's that loser brother of mine fall into place in all this then?"

Suddenly, both Sango and Miroku stopped talking and Miroku whispered, "Right behind you!"

"Huh? That makes no sense," InuYasha said confused, "You said it was…" he trailed off as both Sango and Miroku jumped to opposite sides of the path, and he tumbled forward cursing.

"What the hell!" InuYasha sputtered as he righted himself and caught sight of his older brother. "What was that for, you jerk!" he yelled as he started to walk towards him.

"Honestly, you should watch your mouth a bit better," Sesshomaru said in that cool silken voice of his.

"Why?

"You have a bad habit of running it without any thought behind it," Sesshomaru explained.

"I do not!" InuYasha argued.

Behind InuYasha, Sango whispered quietly to Miroku, "He does have a good point. Too bad they can't ever stop fighting long enough to learn anything from each other."

"Yeah, it's really a pity they can't just accept what fate handed them and get along for two seconds."

"HEY! I heard that!" InuYasha yelled behind him as he glared at his friends, "Whose side are you guys on anyway!"

"The winning one," Miroku said quickly with a smile as he pulled Sango behind a tree to escape the rock that sailed past them.

"My, my, little brother, you certainly have odd 'friendships' with humans. As if that dead miko wasn't strange enough already you seem to just pick more of them up."

"Shut up! What do you know anyway?" InuYasha growled

"More than you think I do."

"Feh, right. Why are you here anyway?"

"To torment you, why else would I make an appearance?"

Suddenly something clicked in InuYasha's mind, Sesshomaru never talked this much, something was wrong. He had to find out what, before it cost him. "You're talkative today Sesshomaru, why is that? Did your boot-kissing toad demon finally piss you off enough that you squashed him?"

"Actually, he's taking care of Rin."

"And you think I've got strange 'friendships' with humans, what exactly is your relationship to that little girl anyway?"

Sesshomaru stopped and seemed to think for a second, "I'm her guardian, why?"

"Oh, is that it? I've heard some rumors and just wondered is all."

Sesshomaru growled, "Those damn fangirls are at it again! No matter how many times I tell them, 'I don't touch humans,' they don't listen! Why they want me to screw a human child is well beyond me!"

InuYasha was shocked at his brother's outburst. Then he started to laugh. At least when fangirls attacked him they usually stuck him with Kagome or Kikyo, and that was fine with him. "Oh man! That's great! Mr. Perfect gets stuck being a pedophile and a liar!"

With a snarl, Sesshomaru lunged and InuYasha found himself pinned against a tree, his face just inches from his brother's. "Obviously, you haven't seen what those fangirls do to YOUR reputation."

"My reputation is just fine, I don't mind what they do most of the time. I happen to like humans, and ones that are my own age."

A smirk appeared on Sesshomaru's face and his grip loosened slightly. "I had no clue you held such affection for that perverted monk, or that wolf demon you claim to hate so much."

"Wait, what?"

"Those same fangirls that you seem to like so much pair you with those two as well as your beloved mikos."

"But, that's gross! They wouldn't do that to me! They like me more than that!"

"I'm sure they do, that's why you get paired with Kaede and Naraku as well."

InuYasha's eyes grew wide and he couldn't decide if Sesshomaru was telling the truth or not.

"If you don't believe me ask your wench, she knows all about it."

"Kagome is NOT a rabid fangirl! Take that back!" InuYasha said as he struggled to get out of his brother's grasp.

Sesshomaru laughed and let InuYasha go. "I see you have much to learn."

"InuYasha!" they heard Kagome call out, "Sango? Miroku! Where did you guys go?"

"Stay back, Kagome!" InuYasha yelled in her direction.

While his attention was drawn to his friend, Sesshomaru took his leave. When InuYasha looked back at where his brother had been only seconds before he found empty air. "HEY! Get back here and fight!" he yelled

By this time Kagome had appeared on the edge of the trail, and said, "Um InuYasha, it seems pretty safe to me."

"Feh!"

Just then, Sango and Miroku emerged from behind the tree they had retreated to. Sango was blushing slightly and Miroku was smiling.

"Jus what were you two doing back there?" InuYasha asked eyeing them suspiciously.

"Nothing. Just keeping clear of flying ROCKS that dog demons happen to throw at us," Miroku said.

"You did WHAT!" Kagome yelled at InuYasha.

"They started it!" InuYasha protested.

Kagome threw her hands in the air and turned away. She walked a short distance to where her backpack was sitting on the ground. "Hey, Sango! I brought something back for us."

"Oh yeah?" Sango said leaning don to take a closer look at the object in the bag, "what is it?"

Kagome smiled brightly, and started to tell her, but quickly shut the bag when InuYasha and Miroku got too close. "Hey, InuYasha, I there a place to camp around here? It's getting late."

"What are you hiding?"

"Huh? Nothing? Why would you ask something like that?"

"What did you hide from us that you were going to show Sango?"

Kagome blushed, but knowing what was in her bag, she had a half-truth to hand him. "None of your business, InuYasha!"

"Tell me!"

"No! You should know better than to ask!"

"What's in the bag?"

"Nothing for YOU."

InuYasha stuck out his lip and tried again, "What's so secret that only you and Sango get to know what it is."

"Because, we're the only ones with that certain problem to solve!"

"What problem? Maybe we can help," Miroku chimed in looking thoughtful.

"Uh, no. Sorry but it's not something males can solve," Sango assured him, catching onto Kagome's train of thought.

"Well, we won't know that until you tell us," Miroku said trying to reason with the girls.

"Yeah, just tell us then we'll stop asking," InuYasha said.

"Fine, you want to know so badly, it's for our monthly cycles, stupid! Unless you plan on knocking us up you can't help. And no, Miroku that's NOT an invitation, so wipe that goofy smile off your face right now!

Miroku's smile faltered, but he still reached for Sango and she promptly smacked him.

"Lecher! Don't you ever give up?"

"No."

With a sigh Sango shook her head, and headed to Kagome's side as she secured her backpack. She promptly asked her about the other side of the well, and the boys started to look for a place to camp for the night.

After awhile the boys were having a discussion on where the best place to camp would be so Kagome and Sango switched topics, and dropped their voices to whispers.

"It came today didn't it?" Sango asked as excitement flooded her voice.

"Yeah, that's the real reason I went home earlier. I just couldn't tell InuYasha that so I got him to argue with me."

"He really should know better anyway, he knows when he runs his mouth like that he's going to end up eating dirt!"

"Yeah, but apparently he doesn't mind the taste or he wouldn't say such stupid things."

"Speaking of him doing stupid things, what was going on when I came back?"

"Oh! Sesshomaru showed up and was taunting InuYasha. Of course, he showed up just when InuYasha called him a loser.

"I bet that went over well."

"Yeah, like oil and water."

"That's them. Speaking of those two, I saw a new doujinshi that I can't decide if I like it or hate it."

"Really? What's it about?"

"It's InuYasha and Sesshomaru… as a couple."

"Sounds disturbing but hot at the same time. Those two are both really good looking."

"That's what I was thinking, I'm going to buy it when I go home next."

"Buy what?" InuYasha asked as he turned his head to look back at the girls who both blushed.

"More girl stuff! Quit eavesdropping!" Kagome told him with a forced stern look.

He shrugged and said, "We're setting up camp here for tonight, so what's for dinner?"

"Ramen, what else would I bring?" Kagome said with a laugh.

InuYasha hid a smile and went to go get water for her to boil.

After dinner was over Kagome and Sango went to look for a place to bathe. When they found a nice quiet spot by the river, they made sure the boys were not watching, bathed quickly, and then finally got to look at the yaoi doujinshi Kagome had brought.

After much giggling and ogling over the book, the girls headed back. When they reached camp both of the boys stared at them as they lay down and told everyone goodnight.

The boys told them goodnight, and then pretended to go to sleep as well. When they were sure that the girls were asleep, they got back up. Carefully, InuYasha opened the top of Kagome's backpack and retrieved the book that they had seen the girls with earlier. Being careful to make as little noise as possible they snuck out of camp and beyond the tree line to be able to see what the book said in the moonlight.

What the boys saw surprised both of them. The book contained two different stories told in miniature pictures. The first one was a rather explicit sex romp between Miroku and InuYasha, and the second one was about a steamy romp between Sesshomaru and InuYasha.

Both of the men were silent as they thumbed through the pages of the fanbook. Both lost in thought, and confusion. Finally InuYasha couldn't stand it anymore and exploded, "What the hell is that all about?"

"Sex?" Miroku offered, still lost in thought.

"You're not helpful."

"Why do you suppose the girls like this book so much?" Miroku asked as he turned to face InuYasha.

"Hell if I know!"

"Why don't they turn to us instead of looking at this sort of thing?"

InuYasha blushed at the thought of Kagome actually doing anything with him like what was depicted in that book. "They probably think we'd turn them down or something."

"That might be true for Kagome, but Sango doesn't take kindly to any of my advances either."

"That's because you always grope her without warning."

"Maybe, but we should probably ask them about this though."

"Are you kidding! Kagome will sit me into next week if she finds out I took that out of her bag!"

"Ahem!" a female voice rang out behind the two men.

Looking up they saw two pissed off female companions.

"Mind explaining what you're doing with that book, monk?" Sango said as she glared at him.

Miroku opened his mouth to speak, but words failed him and he shut his mouth without speaking.

"I thought so," Sango said.

Kagome marched over to the still grimacing half demon and asked, "Like what you saw, or what?"

InuYasha's jaw fell open and he just stared at Kagome.

The girls snatched the book back from the boys and stormed back to camp. Leaving the boys alone in the clearing.

"Oh my gosh! What are we going to do! The boys are going to hate us now!" Kagome cried when they got back to camp.

"That was so embarrassing!" Sango said blushing, "Why on earth were they looking at that book though!"

"I have no clue, you'd think they would have seen what it was and dropped it or something! Not bury their noses in it!"

"Maybe, they don't mind it?"

"You mean they like the idea of what's in that book!"

"No, we don't." InuYasha said as he appeared in the clearing followed by Miroku. "We wondered why you had that book though."

Both Kagome and Sango froze, and then seemed undecided at whether to remain angry or to be embarrassed.

"Well?"

"None of your business!" Kagome finally shot at him, "How dare you rummage through my belongings without my consent!"

"Is that any worse than you supporting that book without bothering to tell me or Miroku about it at all?"

"YES! I didn't write the book!"

InuYasha sighed and mumbled, "I can't believe my damn brother was right."

"You know, if you ladies needed any, uh, help in the love department you can always turn to me. I'd never turn you away," Miroku offered with a smirk.

"Thanks Miroku, but no thanks." Kagome told him

"Pervert, we already knew that." Sango said.

With a grin Miroku went back to his bedroll, and lay down. InuYasha followed him and whispered, "Why are you so happy?"

"Sango didn't say no," he whispered back still smiling.

"Feh. She didn't say yes either."

"I'll take what I can get," Miroku said as he closed his eyes.

Turning around InuYasha saw that Sango and Kagome had turned their backs on him and had lain down as well.

With a sigh, he plopped down next to Kagome.

"Keep away from my bookbag," she told him sternly.

"Look, I'm sorry I took that stupid book. I just didn't like you keeping secrets from me."

Kagome was more than a bit shocked by InuYasha's words. So much so that she sat back up and pressed her hand against his forehead. "That's odd, you're not running a fever; so why did you apologize?"

Slowly, InuYasha closed and reopened his eyes. "Because I hate when you're mad at me for doing something stupid," he whispered.

Kagome couldn't help but smile, "Okay, then, I forgive you about the book. Don't do it again though."

"One thing though--why was I always on the bottom in that book?"

"Oh that's just a status thing, don't worry about it," Kagome said as she rolled over and promptly fell asleep leaving InuYasha to think about her words.

A/N man, this story took over and i proclaim it to be a DISASTER, but some people found it funny so i posted it XD im thinking i should get ambitious and dismantle it and make it into chaptersnad expand on it - but im lazy, and that would take awhile so this is all you get till i get motivated again XD LOL! OH! if you liked this insanity please leave me a review or it'll never get any better! XD


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